Genesis

I was born in 1983, but just like everyone else I have no recollection of those first years. I can't understand why we can't remember that time, when life was so painless and easy. I wish I could have remembered those years because by the time I was five life was pretty messed up already. I remember very little from those years-I think I am cursed(or blessed) with a bad memory- I don't remember details very well at all. I remember kindergarten, I loved it! I remember all the little activities, learning my ABC's, saying the pledge, etc. etc.. This was in '88 when they still let the Kindergartners out at noon. I would go home and there would be mom, doing her exercises or folding clothes. I would get my little snack and have one on one time with mom till my brother woke from his nap. It all seems so picture perfect, if only those were the only memories. If I could just freeze time right there and only remember those good moments. Unfortunately there were the times when my dad was drinking or high. These were the scary sad times. There was a lot of violence and yelling and as a small child I only remember that i didn't understand much; I only wished that they would stop. I remember offering them a penny for every day that they didn't fight. I thought this would surely fix everything and pennies were everywhere.
Needless to say, that did not work, they laughed at me, called me cute, and life went on. This leads up to the night I can't let go off. I get mad and tell myself, its over its past, just get over it, but unfortunately, things do not work like that. It was still '88 maybe '89. I was laying on the living room floor watching a movie with my brother and sister. I got thirsty so I made my way into the kitchen where dad was pacing and acting like his usual weird self. So I did what any normal five year old would do-I asked him for a drink. And he did what any normal dad would do-he gave me a glass of koolaid. Upon leaving the kitchen I turned around to look at my daddy whom I adored. I don't remember why I turned around and really it is of no importance because what I saw changed my view of life, daddy and everything else. I saw my father pick up a razor blade and slice it across his wrist...I watched it all happen, I saw the blood come, and I stood motionless when he came out of the kitchen yelling at my mother! Really I will never understand how a man can cut his own wrist and then blame someone else and demand that they fix it. My mother called an ambulance which infuriated my father so he ran off into the woods behind our house and I later learned that the paramedics found him past out in the woods. I've shortened this because the whole story is too graphic, but this haunts me. I believe this is why at the age of ten I began cutting myself-but that is a different story. A week later we came home from my Aunts house and found dad in bed with another women. It is very confusing to miss your dad for a week and come home excited to see him and find him in such an awkward situation and mom is really mad now. She grabs us and heads right back out the door. Stupid is what it all is. Stupid rash choices made that ruin lives and too often we don't even realize it. I know I am guilty of this in my own ways. We all are. I am sure that my dad thought that suicide was his best option and even that it was my moms fault. I am sure that he did not think it was a selfish act that would scar all three of his children for life. I am sure that when he cheated on my mother he rationalized it so that he was not wrong. But that doesn't make any of it right. I only hope that in life I can remember to stop and think things through before making my rash choices and destroying my children.
I forgave my father of this and many other things. I love him and miss him dearly, his choices took his life at a young age of forty-six. I wish that he had made better choices and could be here enjoying these grand babies, I know that they would enjoy him. He was a really great guy...when he wasn't drinking.